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Friday, February 25, 2011

Mommyland Kicks Ass

I freakin' LOVE Rants from Mommyland.  And the comments make me laugh so hard I end up coughing like an 80-year old TB patient.  Unfortunately, I cannot post comments from work, so, here are my "Just One Day" wishes:

  1. One night where nobody wakes me up insisting that they've peed the bed and have to sleep with me, but everything, including the pull-up, is actually DRY.
  2. One morning when I am not awakened with demands for "my shows, apple juice in a sippy-cup warmed up baby-style, and fresh chonies and pants.  Oh yeah.  Pleaaaaaaase!"
  3. One day when DH does NOT call me at some point asking what's for dinner, only to sigh and (I'm sure) roll his eyes when given the menu.  Dude, don't ask if you are gonna complain no matter what I say!
  4. One day when everyone can find and PUT ON their own damn shoes! 
  5. One day when everyone can take off said shoes and put them both in the same spot - gee, don't we have a shoe-shelf by the door for this?
  6. One day when I DON'T find a stinky pull-up hidden under a pile of otherwise clean clothes in the closet.
  7. One day when Thing lies quietly during diaper changes instead of resorting to the Gator-Rolls-of-Death.
  8. One day when Thing does NOT have Defcon-4 level toxic teal-blue waste in the diaper (thanks fruit-snacks!)
  9. One day when Divo refrains from correcting every mur.thur.furkin thing Whiney says.
  10. One day when Whiney is not terminally wounded by every damn thing Divo says, whether aimed at him or not.
  11. No Fake Crying. 
  13. One day when I can watch Star Wars in peace without the constant "Who's that guy?" "What kinda ship is that again?"  "When is Darth Vadar coming?" "If it's called Star Wars, why aren't the stars shooting?"  "Why can everyone but us understand that Baca guy?" 
  14. Whiney can wipe his own arse without totally missing the stuff you are supposed to clean away.
  15. Everyone can leave me the whuck alone while I am cooking!
  16. Thing uses his words, other than NO and Uh-Oh.
  17. DH can actually assist the children that are up with him at the ass-crack of dawn with dressing and getting some type of food-like substance into their bodies, instead of trucking up the stairs again to wake ME up at the ass-crack of dawn to tell me they need help downstairs and where is his (insert something he had to walk by to get to me here).
  18. We can get out of the house ON TIME.  So I am not LATE to WORK. 
  19. Work is what I do during the day, when most people work.  I am not at home.  So I can't be answering my phone and looking shit up for you all day.  While I am WORKING.
  20. When minions can go to freakin' bed without deciding they need to pee/poop/eat/dance/get nekkid/etc.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Times like these

It's days like this that make me wish I was back in 3rd grade, when the only things I had to worry about were my book report and who I was going to play with at recess.

Money sucks - there is never enough no matter how well you manage what you have been blessed with.

Cars suck - money.  Why can't they just run on dirty diapers and week-old pizza slices?  Why do they have to put parts that can leak right next to the passenger compartment?  I mean, seriously?  Why does the heater core have to go right there?  Now my carpet is ruined and the car smells moldy if you leave the windows up when it's hot.  GROSS.

People suck - people who promise you sunshine & rainbows and then give you nothing but shitty weather.  Incidentaly, these are the same people that demand you spend $$ you don't really have because they want you to "better yourself" but don't want to help you do it.  They just want to threaten your job and starve your kids.

Animals suck - sometimes.  Like the times the cat can't make it to the box and poops in the middle of the living room.  Or when the dog runs into the sliding glass door so hard I think I might have to cough up an emergency vet bill because she can't stand up straight.  Do dogs get concussions?

Kids suck - they are germy, grimy, snotty little beasts whose sole mission in life is to wait until 2 am to get sick, then insist on sleeping on the couch with mommy, who unfortunately cannot sleep with her arm tweaked around behind a kid-neck, semi-reclined on a decorative pillow with kid feet in her crotch and unable to move due to the death-grip said kid happens to have on her clothing and/or hair.

And then...
Payday comes, and you have some cash for 0.00000001 seconds.
  The car is fueled and fixed.  For now.
  Someone made a mistake - you can go to that class after all.  Yes, we will pay for it, that memo was a typo.
  The cat races as fast as her arthritic hips can move her to the box and now you just have to smell it until it's scoop-able.
  The dog is again able to chase the kids and steal their bananas without having to sign over your house to the vet.
  The kids are, once again, charming, funny, affectionate and SLEEP IN THEIR OWN DAMN BEDS.

For today anyway.