$hit. Literally.

What a whuckin day!  Spent 3.5 hours with 54 kindergartners.  FINALLY justnow got the stinking songs out of my head.  Seriously?  A song about the color blue to the tune of Farmer-in-the-Dell?  Wow.  Who woulda thunk it?

Punkin' patchin' was fun.  Exhausting, but fun.  Hit up the dollar store on the way to work for a few Halloween-y things.  Hit Target for costumes on the way home to pick up the boys, since, as previously posted, Trunk-or-Treat was tonight.

Of course, the boys were high on choc chip & M&M cookies courtesy of Nana.  Refused any sort of dinner, stripped nekkid to don costumes, while I run around trying to change out of my freakin' work clothes.  All between 545 and 601 pm.  Soooo, we made it.  Trunk-or-Treat.  But I thought that was it.  Until we entered the   seventh circle of hell called the multipurpose room at CE.

I can't believe my ears aren't still ringing bleeding.

Got home FINALLY at 8 (an hour past bedtime, whuck?)

THING beelines to the toy area after bath - no big.  Until I see him attempting to feast upon cat vomit.  CAT. VOMIT.  I puked a little in my mouth.

Cleaned that up.  Whatever, poor kitty is old and decrepit.  What's a little cat vomit in the scheme of things?  Until I see the cat POOP.  And notice the office door closed (of course, that's where the cat box lives).  And WHERE, you ask, was THING when I discovered said poop?  Oh, he was picking at the carpet trying to rustle up some green pukey bits until he saw the poop, then it was enlisting Whinemaster (who has the gag reflex of, well, nevermind) to quickly run the toiletpaper-wrapped poop to the bathroom while herding THING away from the interesting squishy lumps on the floor.

Where was Divo during all this you ask?  Upstairs dramatically throwing himself repeatedly on the bed to demonstrate just how tired he was, as it was apparently too tired to eat his dinner but not tired enough to lay his a$$ down and sleep.

D-lite?  Expanding his brain across town.  I can't WAIT until it's his turn to do one of these crazy days alone! But tomorrow, I shall sit stoicly by his side in the Pee Palace, awaiting the ultimate sacrifice.  Or so he says.  Little does he know I'll be dressed as a Momcess tomorrow for Halloween party at work ;)  That should embarrass him.  Maybe not the tiara, but at least the beribboned toilet bowl brush I shall brandish as my royal scepter...

MomFail to the, well, not the rescue!

We all do it.  Slap the snooze button 9 too many times and then rush around blaming the lateness on the kids or the pets or the bus or the weather.  But it was just so cozy in bed this morning, even with little knees shoved up under my kidneys.

Thought I was doing so well!  Kindy snack packed and in car - check.  THING's bottles mixed, packed and in the car - check.  Big kids up, fed, dressed and on way to car - check, check, double-check.  Missing kid - still sleeping!  No wonder it was so quiet!

Run up stairs, scoop kid up, pull one leg out of footie jammies for on-the-fly diaper change, throw kid in carseat.  Run back inside because I'm still wearing my slippers and haven't put a decent shirt on yet.  Grab salvation coffee. 

3 kids in car - check.  Purse & wallet - check.  Shoes on kids - well, mostly check there's some tears and histrionics going on today. 

Divo off to campus club with minimum of fuss - check!!!!

Drive drive drive.  SHIT! says I at Cedar/Herndon.  "Whiny, are THING's shoes on the floor back there?"

"Noooooo and my SHEW is naught WOKING!!! I need some hep...(insert incredibly urgent voice here) PEE PEE PEE PEE PEE PEE!!!!! Mom I gotta GO really BAD RIGHT NOW! You FORGOT to make me go before we left!"

As THING happily flicks milk from the nipple of the bottle he refuses to be weaned from at the whining, pee-filled kid who needs liquid flicked at him like I need pee in the car.  Thank God for cell phones.  Nana can scoop up some shoes in an hour and drop them off.  At least I remembered the extra set of clothes in the diaper bag...

Nothing like a kid going to school in jammies and one ready to pee the car.  Happy Wednesday to me...

*Clipart courtesy of RantsFromMommyLand.  Again.  I just love them!

What do you mean TOMORROW???

So, I've recently (like, just now) realized (been rudely informed) that Halloween is SUNDAY.  As in, like, 3.5 days from this moment.  AND, that tomorrow, in addition to Divo's First Field Trip, the equally fun Trunk-or-Treat event is being held at school.  Which I hear is actually pretty fun for the kids, but is causing me nothing but anxiety. 

Whinemaster has decided he will go as Batman - yahoo!  We already have a costume.  Throw in a couple new accessories and he's good to go.  THING is going as a monkey, cause that's what we've got and he's too little to argue about it.

Divo, on the other hand, has informed us he wants to be a WOLF.  Not really a werewolf (they scare him), but more like the animal.  M'kay, m'kay, now, where the schmidt am I supposed to get an animal wolf costume 3.5, oh, I'm sorry, less than 30 hours before dress-up time that:
a) looks decent and won't MomFail me yet again in the eyes of the PTC PM's, and
b) lives up to Divo's recent unrealistic expectations of just about every freakin' thing

Hmmm?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?  (crickets chirp too loud)

Okay, so he's gonna end up going in a sweatsuit stuffed with fake furn and a headband with ears.  GREAT.  Hi, my name is Julie, aka MomFail.  Feel free to contribute to my anxiety level......NOW.

Growing Pains

Good 'ol Webster's defines growing pains as: 1: pains in the legs of growing children having no demonstrable relation to growth; 2: the stresses and strains attending a new project or development.

If you're old like me (wait, who said that!?) it's a TV show. 

Or it could just be watching your oldest baby enthusiastically board the school bus for the first time, headed off to his very first field trip while you lamely follow behind with the rest of the parents who can't quite let go chaperones in various family-sized vehicles. Which, incidentally, is what I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

It's also getting THE LOOK from said baby - you know, the one that tells you to back the freak off or there's going to be some serious tantrum-throwing and I'll come get you if I need you.  That look.  Which you respond to with your own LOOK that says 'look you little $^&# I brought you in and I can take you out and I don't give a flying freak if your little mafia is looking on I'll do it.  I WILL.  So just watch it bub.'

Let the good times roll!

Love it love it LUUUUHHHHVVVV IT!

Totally stole this from Kate & Lydia over at MommyLand.  I REALLY have to share this with D - just so he knows when to shut the yap and pass the wine.  Or truss the children.  One never knows ;)

Food for thought

I happen to follow several blogs, and the other day I happened across another via the Rants from MommyLand blog.  It's called SingleDadLaughing, and WOW, he's awesome!  Of course, I'm going to post a link to the really incredibly awesome and insightful post that (so far) is my favorite.  Check it out and decide if he's worth your following too:

Single Dad Laughing Blog

Thaaaaat's Right Beeatches!

So, if you know us IRL, you already know that D-lite has an AWESOME new job to start in 2 weeks.  A.W.E.S.O.M.E.  Seriously?  We are over the flipping moon over this!  Like, totally m'kay?

I cannot even describe to you how proud I am of D, or of his tenacity over the last 6 (actually more like 12) years.  True, sometimes his integrity makes me want to yank it out and bash it over the head with a sledgehammer, but it's his, and, while it really did may have hindered his ability to promote, it's part of the reason I love him so much and part of why he got this job.

Integrity can be a bitch.  It makes you refuse to a$$kiss (severely edited since I don't know everyone who reads this crap and I don't want to burn any bridges for him!) and work just thatmuch harder to get where you want KNOW you are supposed to be.  It also makes you bite your tongue in half when faced with jackholes on a regular basis who don't know half what they think they know, and less than 1/4 of what you know.  But they are your "superior".  Bitches.

And things are already different.  He's not so snarky.  His review of "The List" is now done with laughter and a smirk, rather than reviewed with defeat.  He plays with the kids more.  We talk more.  He's HIM again.  And it's great.

And apparently this is a BIG F'n DEAL - there's a whole flippin' CEREMONY for us to attend where he gets his badge and accoutrements the Friday before his first day.  He gets to go shopping for uniforms without me worrying how the hell we are going to pay for them.  We don't have to worry about finding the cheapest place to get boots that are nice enough that nobody will notice they aren't XYZ boots that cost $200.  We don't have to budget quite so creatively.  And it's great.

I am so PROUD that somebody finally woke the whuck up saw in D what I see - a hardworking, intelligent, eager, brimming-with-integrity, man who could do nothing but complement and enhance the department he's working for.  He's NOT expendable.  He's NOT underqualified (all you dumb-shots that pick and choose are) and he's NOT a liability like those unexperienced, over-schooled, not a practical hair on their heads, promotees more than likely are.  He's GREAT.

(I think I'm channeling Tony the Tiger today)

It's a commute.  It's probably a little less time to spend as a family each day.  But MAN, what a change in the QUALITY of the time spent as a family!  Everyone is relaxing a bit, not so on-edge.  Silliness is returning, and that's a relief.  There has been much to little silliness this last little while. 

Change is often difficult.  It can be huge and dark and scary like that creepy house on Clovis Avenue they open for tours every Halloween.  But it can also be the best thing in the world, and turn us into SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE HOLDING HANDS.  (wow - I think I just made myself really old).

Shoooowww, THAAAAAAT'S RIGHT BEATCHES!  He's THERE.  The next step that you all jackholes of the planet tried to keep him knocked off of.  And guess what bitches?  He's already got his foot on the next step up!  THAAAAAT's RIGHT!  F-in A it is!

(note to self - do NOT drink coffee before posting next blog)

A$$es & Attitudes

I don't recall blogging about this.  Posting to my myriad message boards yes, blogging, NOPE.  So to explain...

A few weeks ago, I received "The Call" from Divo's Kindy teacher.  "Mrs. W, I have Divo and a friend here in the office with me.  They were spitting on one another and all of the equipment on the playground and that is not acceptable.  I just wanted to let you know what was going on."  Umm, kayyyyy.  So, what happened?  I mean, I do NOT condone spitting in any way shape or form, but come ON, they were spitting just because it's fun to forcibly hurl bodily fluids?  Really?

I called back and got essentially the same story, but a plethora of additional information:

1. Divo is not finishing his work in class, and it's not coming back in his homework folder.  He won't pass if he does not complete his work.
2. Divo is exhibiting bullying behaviors toward the other children.  This is NOT acceptable, and must be dealt with ASAP.
3. Divo has been losing recess privileges due to his disruptive behavior in class.

Soooooooooowuh.  This information led to several reactions by mom & dad, be they good or bad:

1. Homework and unfinished class work WILL be completed AS SOON AS YOUR BUTT WALKS IN THE DOOR I DON'T CARE IF IT'S HOME OR NANA'S HOUSE.
2. There is NO EXCUSE for hitting/spitting/pushing/shoving/tripping/otherwise acting like an asshat towards anyone.  This includes your brothers.  You have lost the privilege of attending your very first school field trip to the pumpkin patch. 
• This resulted in a full-blown tantrum, complete with wailing, flailing, stomping and door-slamming.  F.U.N.  He lost TV for that.
3. I e-mailed the teacher after speaking with Divo's pre-K teachers about their experience with him (see below)
4. Divo AND Whinemaster got into a slug-fest and they both lost the privilege of Blackbeard's night (which was to be a fun family outing with the big boys, but, welp, we all lost out on that and ended up staring at each other over the dinner table, because TV got taken away too, thanks babe.)

Now, I don't profess to know any all the answers, but after laying down the law, it occurred to me that D-lite and I never actually asked Divo what was going on or why he was acting like an asshat.  So I did, the very next day.

MomFail - Divo, can you tell me why you aren't finishing your work in class?  Kindergarten class?
Divo - Because it's too hard and I can't DO IT (insert wail here).
MomFail - Divo, is it that it's too hard, or that you don't have enough time to do it?  Are you rushing and getting frustrated?
Divo - Mom, Ms. B goes too fast at whiteboard time and I can't do it like the other kids and I get mad when she keeps going and I'm not done yet.
MomFail - Divo, did you know that you can raise your hand and talk to your teacher ANY time you have a problem or a question?  Did you know that it's ok to do things a little different as long as you end up the same? 
Divo - No.  I can? (insert AHHHHH sound with breaking dawn graphic here)
MomFail - Yes bub.  Any time you have a question or you are having trouble, just raise your hand and ask the teacher for more help or more time?  She can't know you are having trouble if you don't tell her so.  It's her job to teach you, so asking for help is important.  I know it's harder for you because you use a different hand than most of the other kids when you write, but that doesn't make you wrong.
Divo - But what if she doesn't help me enough, or what if the other kids get mad?
MomFail - If you don't get enough help, bring your work home for mommy and daddy to help you, or Nana.  I really don't think the other kids are going to get mad; some of them probably need more help or time too, and are just too scared to speak up.  You know how some of your friends just turned 5 right? 
Divo - Yes, but so?  I don't want them to be mad at me.
MomFail - Well, you have been 5 for a whole year, and are going to be 6.  Remember how sometimes you need to look out for and help Whinemaster and Thing because they are littler than you?  It's the same at school.  Sometimes the bigger kids (you) need to speak up because the littler kids don't know they can.
Divo - So it's like I'm helping everyone if I ask questions?  I won't get in trouble for talking?
MomFail - Yes.  The only time you get in trouble for talking is when you don't wait your turn to speak, or you forget to raise your hand first to get permission. 
Divo - okay mom.  I'll try it.  And I'm sorry for the spitting trouble too, but there was a really big spider on the play house and wes trieding to get it off but the girls was scared and then it was crunched up cuz of the spit and it was fun to try and hit it with my spit and then me and Hoodie1 got in trouble for the spitting.

Did you follow any of that?  Still with me here?  Okay. 

I had run into some of the pre-K teachers while dropping off my other two Princes of Destruction, and sent an e-mail to Divo's teacher.

"I recall that Divo's pre-K teachers mentioned that he is easily distracted and becomes bored with activities fairly quickly if they aren't stimulating enough for him, and that he seems to do better being closer to the teacher, rather than out in kid-land all of the time.  They also reminded me (since I ran into them this morning dropping off my other two) that he really needs his recess time to decompress when he hasn't done much active learning (vs. quiet learning at stations or circle time)."

Thankfully, this teacher is very receptive to parent involvement, and seems more than happy to hear what has worked for other teachers in the past.  She's moved him closer to her at circle time, and has actually had the other K teacher come in to work with Divo one-on-one with writing, as her own children are leftys and she's got lots of time in teaching to leftys.  I've also made him a primer of sorts to help him practice both his writing and his sight words, with simple 4-word sentences (I will not spit) and he seems to enjoy doing that, as he's always asking where the book is.

It's been a couple of weeks, and Divo's behavior has been expemplary.  Has he had a few lapses?  Sure!  Has he been unduly penalized because of them?  Nah.  He has actually earned back his field trip as of last night, and has just overall seemed more calm and settled since our talk.  I must also say, D-lite spent and afternoon with Divo over haircuts and Starbuck$, and that too, seemed to make a big impact.

I think we have a tendency to forget that he's only almost 6, and not 16.  He is, in many ways, mature for his age, but we can't keep expecting him to act like it.  He's 6 for crying out loud.  He's going to have the occasional tantrum, he's going to cry, and he is going to act inappropriately at times.  It's our job as parents to TEACH all 3 Princes of Destruction what is and is not acceptable behavior, attitude and affect.  We too, are a work in progress as parents and, well, we are learning that maybe the way we were raised, while good enough for our parents and us at the time, isn't the best way to go about raising our boys.  Just sayin.

Congratulations Baby!

I am just so stinkin' proud of Grumpy right now!  Persistence and patience DO pay off, and he admitted as much to me several weeks ago when he got interviewed for a job with the Tulare City Fire Department.

He hadn't heard anything other than the possibility of second interviews, as they had an internal candidate, Grumps and one other person to choose from.  Well, the original position was filled internally, but then the Chief called up Grumpy for an interview of the "come hang out and look around" variety, as the promotee's former position was open and needed to be filled.

They filled it with Grumpy!!!  Honey, you've worked so hard for this and I am just so happy to see you excited and confident again.  It's so hard to be denied and denied and denied, only to be denied again while watching those less qualified grab what should have been yours.  But you did it, and the long years of applying, waiting, extra classes, extra shifts and (shudder) volunteering in your job have finally paid off.

Of course, with the new job come new logistical problems, but I think we've got it all figured out now.  And I am approved for the whole day off to watch you get "pinned".  Now if you could just tell me what time so I can figure out if we need to spring Aidan out of kindy for the day...

Out of the mouths of babes...

Logan, as he's flipping through the Sunday ads, "Mom, I wishit dad could played football like that." as he points to a photo of a player flying through the air to make an impossible catch.  Before I could come up with a suitable answer, "But he's getting too old for that shit, ooops, I mean crap." 

Aidan, taking to heart the lesson Nana was teaching about Satan and temptation: Nana: "Aidan why did you push your friend for no reason?  Wasn't there anything inside of you telling you that was a wrong choice?"  Aidan: "Well, yeah, but Satan made me do it - he's louder."

Logan, rationalizing his exhibitionist tendencies: "Mom, it's not ok to show people our peenee's right?" Me: "Nope, your penis is part of your private parts and shouldn't be shown to everyone."  Logan: "Yup.  HEY!  Wanna see my fat butt-cheeks?" proceeded to moon me and his godmother. 

Logan: "Mom, what should I call my penis?" Me: "Um, well honey, just call it what it is, a penis."  Logan: "Aidan calls it a pipe.  It's sorta like a pipe.  And sometimes we call it junk, or balls, or nuts.  Why do we call it nuts if you can't eat it?"  Me, struggling not to laugh my ass off: "There are lots of nicknames for body parts, like we call toes piggies, and your head is your noggin.  Those are all just nicknames for a body part that people get embarrassed talking about."  Logan: "It's my lite-savor (lightsaber a la Star Wars)." runs out of the room "Aidan!  Wanna play lite-savor fight???!!!"  I just had to shake my head and let it go.  Aidan wasn't about to whip it out for a sword fight - he's been hurt too many times!

Ahhh the joys of boys.

Is it really October?

 Where did the year go?!  Thing is now 1 and officially a TODDLER.  He will even be going to the toddler daycare classroom starting on Tuesday - I'm a little sad :(

Divo is looking forward to his first field trip, and Whinemaster-Lo is chomping at the bit to get back to "school".  Apparently I don't do enough "fun" things when I'm home from work, and I never take them to the park anymore.  Boo-whuckin-hoo.

As a result of the Toilet Incident of 2010, we will be getting new tile in all of the bathrooms, AND in the kitchen starting on Monday!  I can't wait! 

Unfortunately, D-lite is being a bit of a pain about the whole 'nobody can be in the house while the crew is working' thing.  Umm, how many people have to personally vouch for a licensed, bonded, CHRISTIAN man before you will allow him to do the job he is being paid to do?

GET. OVER. IT.

So it's Friday.  And the only thing I HAVE to do this weekend is take the old cable boxes back to comcast, because we got Direct TV which is waaaaaay cheaper and so far totally rocks!  Seriously, we are getting more channels for about 1/3 less than we paid the money-grubbing, paycheck-sucking wonderful, customer-service-oriented cable people to continually have "outages" in our area, zap out box during crucial 'Star Wars the Clone Wars' episodes, and lose all of our DVR programs.

Can I just say that WOW Direct, your appointment interval was 4 - 8 pm.  I fully expected to see you around 8:30 pm, as my previous experiences with the entity named above had prepared me.  Imagine my surprise (knock me over with a feather!) when your very courteous, well-mannered & tolerant installer arrived at 4:18 and apologized for being late!  Now THAT's customer service!

I don't even have to cook tonight.  Plopped some taters and a big 'ol turkey boob in the crock pot before I ran out of the house late this morning, so dinner will be ready when I walk in the door.  I love that.

Oh, I have to thank Steph at CrockPot 365 for all of the wonderful recipes!  Especially since I'll be crockpotting all week next week, what with my kitchen all over the house :)

For all you moms out there viewing my blog (all 3 of you!), you HAVE to check out Rants From Mommyland.  It's frickin HILARIOUS.  And so relatable!

Aaaaaand on that note, I'm back to work.  Sort of.  After all, it's FRIDAY!